Things to think about…..

So as I sit here this morning, I have a lot of things weighing heavily on my mind.

My youngest child is having some pretty severe anxiety issues. She has wet her pants once in school and once this morning on the couch. I feel really for her. I think that she is super stressed with school, and her sister going back to stay with her mom. She stayed with us for the summer, and then she went to her moms house for the school year. She comes to visit every other weekend and we see her during the week but it has been really hard for little Miss Brinley. She is so sensitive to Caitlin coming and going. Then skipping a grade and being behind quite a bit and trying to catch up with everything. I think that its harder for me than her almost. Not to diminish what she is going thru because it is really hard on her. I just want her to be okay. I feel like I am sitting here worrying about if she is going to be okay emotionally, and oh so many other scenarios that are playing over in my head. I am so sad for her. She also has anxiety medications but they put her to sleep. I am at kind of a loss because I don’t want her to fall asleep in class so I cut one into a 1/4 and tried that this morning to see if that helps her in school today. I just want her to succeed so bad. I don’t care what she does I just want her to succeed at it.

My oldest is having some emotional distress issues regarding to his ASD and we are going to counselling appointments. Things are crazy. His medications are being changed and he I hope will be on a better path do manage his anger and frustration. So that Brinley and Alex can have as good of a relationship as siblings as Brinley and Caitlin. Alex wants to be close to his sisters and Brinley wants to be close to her brother, but I feel like until we get Alex’s emotions a little more under control.

I am just so sad for my children because I want them to be happy and successful in life. I feel like I don’t quite know how to help them completely. I am doing everything that I can, physically, and emotionally to help them as much as possible.

ARRGG!!

Why can’t this be simpler? I want to make sure that she is happy and healthy. Sending her back to Kinder is an option but how do I do that without hurting her even more? I don’t know what to do. I feel kinda sick about the entire thing. She knows that she is a 1st grader and then to take that away from her seems cruel. But is leaving her in 1st grade where she isn’t doing very well (because of anxiety) just as bad? I am afraid that we will have the same issues next year as well, just because she is such a mama’s girl. I think some of it may also be just separation anxiety I know that I am feeling it and I can tell that she is too.

Baby Teeth and the infamous cold that sticks around forever…

I have noticed that my youngest daughter is getting 7 teeth in all at once. Why do they have to hurt so bad? I just feel awful for her, four of them are her 2 year molars as well as her 3 of her incisors. One of the incisors has already come through but the other 7 are playing a painful game of peek a boo with her.

I don’t think that I would feel so badly for her except that it is virtually impossible to get medicine down this child. She vomits when you even come near her with the medicine, even baby Tylenol and Orajel. The last couple of nights have been almost pure hell because she is in pain and can’t sleep. Last night my poor husband and I were up until almost 4 am with her, taking turns holding and cuddling her. If you know my daughter you would know that she is probably one of the most anti-cuddling children that I have ever met. She is so independent and wants so badly to be grown. (Or at least bigger than she is) So yesterday we knew that it was getting pretty bad and she had to be absolutely miserable when she was sitting on my husbands lap and she fell asleep. We tried to put her in bed but she wasn’t having that so I took my turn to hold her and she fell asleep on me for a very short while. I think that I can recall the last time that happened and it was when she was in the hospital for several days, almost a year ago.

Poor baby.

Then to top it off our oldest child is very sick as well. The only upside to having Alex sick is that he can tell me what is wrong, where it hurts and if what I am doing is making a difference where as the baby cannot. So he I believe is coming down with a sinus infection because when I pressed on his sinuses he complained of pain. In addition to that he has congestion in his chest, a cough as well as a mild fever. So he is miserable as well but at least he will take his medicine with out too much of a complaint as long as he has something to wash it down. (preferably Apple Juice 🙂

I get so frustrated when my children are sick because I feel so helpless to fix what ails them. I am sure that most parents feel this way wishing that we had a magic wand that would make it all go away. Even if I had to deal with what they are going  through instead of them. Just something.  I am afraid that I am going to get what Alex has because when he is sick all he wants to do is sit with me and cuddle or hang all over me. I am not complaining about it I just wish that I wasn’t going to get it. It just seems like the kids get sick then me and lastly my husband, but then the kids get it again and the cycle just keeps on going. I feel like I am going to go crazy sometimes when we just pass an illness around and around and around, over and over again.

It is just hard sometimes because if the kids are sick even with a runny nose you are not supposed to send them to school which is fine for us because I am a stay at home parent. But then since some of the laws have changed in Oregon if your child misses more than one or two days of school ( I believe it could be more days than that) and you don’t bring in a Dr.’s note then they can call Child Services on you. I understand the purpose of the law but who takes their child to a Dr. every single time that they catch cold? I just feel that if your kid is sick then you have the right and responsibility to keep them home and seek medical attention if it gets worse, but for a stuffy nose and a light cough seems a bit over board. So what do you do? It feels like it is a catch 22, damned if you do but damned if you don’t.

Well the baby is quiet for the moment and Alex is I believe watching a movie in his room so this seems like the perfect opportunity for a little mommy time, so I am going to be headed for the shower and bed. I hope that you have a wonderful night and a great day tomorrow.

So many things to talk about; so many changes

I have been so out of touch lately that I have not even looked at my blog in just over a year it seems like.  There have just been so many things to do and things that I have done.  It has been crazy. I guess that I never thought that life would get so crazy that I wouldn’t work on my blog. I love writing here so much, and I feel really guilty that I have been gone from here for so long.

Well lets give a family update;

Shaun, My dearest husband. He got a new job. (Well in January of 2009) It is so neat, and I couldn’t be more proud of him and the work that he is doing. The company is a very small one in Northern Washington, and he has the ability to work from home which has been a blessing. I believe that there are only 7 people in the entire company. I remember when he started that I was really apprehensive about the change from a salaried person to an hourly wage. But it has all worked out wonderfully. He is finally being appreciated in a way that makes him enjoy his work. which is something that he was missing at his previous employer. This company is a very interesting one, and they do some very unique things which is a positive. The couple that are the owners of this business are deeply religious and very sweet. I do not believe that the wife (Maryann) has a mean bone in her body and is just a wonderful person, cook and mother. I have visited there with Shaun once for a Christmas party, and it was amazing, Just the simplicity of their lives and how at peace they are amongst the chaos that is most urban lives is just amazing. I wish that I could live like that. (sometimes)

However, with this new job have come new challenges as a married couple. Shaun is working from home now in our bedroom/office, so we are together all of the time. Even though we are together so much in the same house, we don’t really see him during the day. Unless he is hungry or is running low on nerd fuel. (Mountain Dew Code Red) I have to say that I really enjoy the time that he gets to spend with me and our children. It is so neat to think that even though he works himself to brain mush some days that he gets to see our children grow and learn things just about as much as I do.  I believe that we are so very fortunate in that regard and they don’t even know it. I guess all children are that way in some aspects. I am glad that they have a dad that is so involved in their lives. If they have a problem, want some Dairy Queen in the middle of the day right around break time or just need a hug from their dad he is always available. I love it, and so do they.

Our oldest child, Alex was asking me why all daddies couldn’t stay home and work. It was a tough sell to explain that there are different jobs around the world and mommies and daddies have to do them. It is just one of those things that he doesn’t realize about. I can’t complain about the comprehension of the workforce at 5 years old though. Lol

On Friday February 5th I have Alex’s preschool conference to discuss his transition into Kindergarten. I have to say that I am kinda nervous about this transition. Since Alex is autistic there are lots of challenges that must be over come on a daily basis and I am afraid that this transition will be quite difficult for him as well as us. For anyone who lives with autism everyday change is not too fun. I am so glad that he has completed a year and a half of preschool. I think that it has created some very wonderful progress for him especially in the area of speech. I can’t believe that just over 2 years ago he had about 20 words and how he has a wonderful vocabulary. Learning new words and pronunciations each day. White is my favorite word that he says now. He was saying wipe instead of white so now when he says it he says WhiTTe, with a ton of emphasis on the T. It’s great.

Our middle child Caitlin just turned 3 a few months ago and is doing very well. She is dang near fully potty trained. (Yay 2 down 1 to go.) It is such a nice feeling not to have to purchase two sizes or types of diapers. We are still keeping her in a pull up for night time and some times during naps. But I can’t really complain. It surely makes a package of pull ups last much longer. I can’t believe some times that she is only three. She is such a well behaved child. For the most part she is very soft spoken and loves everyone as well as everything. I think about what she will become as an adult some times, she is so intelligent like her father that I hope she becomes rocket scientist or cures cancer or something of that nature. But who knows and we will be proud of her no matter what she does or accomplishes. I just hope that it will be something great.

The baby in the family Brinley, boy oh boy is she a handful. I have to say that she keeps all of us on our toes. She like her sister is very smart and she knows it. I know that she is only 22 months old but she is getting herself undressed now (even when I don’t want her to) and she can count to 10. I was in shock the first time that she did it. I do have to say that she is truly my child, very outspoken, loud gosh is she loud and stubborn. But she is also very much her father’s child. She loves him so much that there are days that I am totally jealous because it seems like I am just chopped liver with onions. But I would feel horrible if she didn’t have an incredible relationship with her father. I do know however that she can operate my iPod better and more efficiently, she can operate a computer, send text messages via cell phone, and if it wasn’t for her I would have never discovered how to turn the subtitles on my television. She just hacked the cable box and got me to where I needed to be. I couldn’t believe it. I almost wonder if she will follow in her father’s footsteps and be a developer or something related to computers. She just loves them so much.

We are now living in a beautiful home in Keizer and are out of the flats of West Salem. (thank god) So Shaun has an office/bedroom where he can get some peace while working during the day. Our back yard has a fountain and pond, and we live right with a park right behind us. It is so wonderful and peaceful here. We live on a small dead end street with wonderful neighbors. There are no wild parties, no one is obnoxious or anything. Couldn’t ask for more, especially since we have a large beautiful kitchen with massive amounts of cupboard space and counter tops. The icing on the cake for me was that we have a large bathroom with walk in closet, linen closet as well as a very large SPA TUB!!! How wonderful is that? A spa tub. This house is so perfect for us that I can’t believe that we fell into it so perfectly. The only thing is that we are renting but the owner of the home is a very neat man and has taken care of anything that has come up during our tenancy no matter how small. I love it.

Living in Keizer has been very neat especially that there is Keizer Station so close. So nice in fact that my good friend just moved in across the street. She is expecting her third child in early April so we are enjoying that we are so close and can help one another out with out having to depend on our parents and grandparents. I think that it has helped us both as mothers since we can be so honest with one another about things that are going on in our lives with out fear of judgment from anyone else. It’s nice, and I really enjoy having someone that I can depend on and relate to so close. I am starting to work on her baby shower since she is having her first boy, and her husband says that their son cannot allow her baby boy to wear pink. I suppose that is a valid argument.

Well it is after 11 pm and I should be headed to bed here shortly, so I am going to go and utilize my spa tub so have a good night, and thanks for being patient with me after such a long dead period.

Preschool Graduation

My three year old just graduated from his first year in preschool. He will do two years because he is only three, and will not be four until October. I was so excited for him. He got a certifcate of graduation and a graduation cap and the whole nine yards. It was so darn cute.

If you have read or do ready my blog you will remember that my son is handicapped. Well he is Autistic so he has been in a class full of special children. There are children with downs, cerebral palsy, the works. They are just the sweetest bunch of little ones that I had ever seen. To see them light up with enthusiasm as they made their way across the little stage area to receive their diplomas was just awe inspiring. Then there are the families of the other children, that just make the whole scene. There is no discrimination against race, religion, sex or anything of the sort, just families that have to work at parenting just a little harder to ensure that our children receive the same opportunities as other kids.

I don’t have the pics from the ceremony yet because, like the genius that I am I grabbed the camera, extra batteries, the whole nine yards but I forgot the memory card. I felt like an idiot. That’s ok my mom got a ton of photos and she is supposed to be emailing them to me.

Brinley is growing so fast and so much it is almost overwhelming. I wish that she was just the tiny infant that she was about 12 weeks ago. I have pictures of her that I need to upload as well.

I think that she is going to have to get tubes in her ears like her father and sister. I am working on the 2nd ear infection in the last three weeks. I feel terrible. I wish that there was something that I could do for her other than what is feel is doping her up on Tylenol hoping that it takes some of the pain away while the antibiotics do their job. Well speaking of Brinley she is summoning me. Have a good one.

Alex, Autism and preschool

As most of you know I have an autistic son, and I recently got him in to a preschool. Very exciting. Basically where I was going with this is that I think he is doing so much better with his speech just after two weeks of school. I am amazed, they are doing such an incredible job over there. He is attending Keizer Elementary where we live, and only goes two days per week but the  difference in his talking is undeniable.

I had to fight with his doctors for just under 2 years to get him evaluated, and into a program to help him. I have a real problem with the length of time it took for his doctor to realize that I was not just some wack job and actually knew what I was talking about.  The rise in diagnosed children with Autism is on the rise for some reason in the last decade and it is alittle scary. For the longest time I blamed myself for his disability. Most of that I am sure is just guilt.

There are so many different things associated with having a child with this disorder that it is really easy to get caught up in the myths and different supposed causes, such as genetics and vaccinations. There has been no link to the vaccinations that our children receive (other than it is a required vaccine that ALL children get not just the ones that end up with autism) so I personally do not believe that could be it. But the genetics arguement is one that I am trying to understand more about because I have a brother that is moderate to severely Autistic. So I have often wondered if I should have had children knowing that I have a family history of it. (Hence the guilt) But then someone could argue that you should not have children if alcoholism runs in the family because future generations will also be prone to it.

Very confusing.

I just wish that there were more options for parents like me in my area. It is something that I will struggle with for the rest of my life probably because I at this point do not know if my son will ever be able to be a functioning adult on his own. I know that it is way too early to try and discern because he is only 3 but it is still something that I think about almost daily. It is down right depressing at times, to the point of I am unsure if I should have had other children for fear that I will be unable to devote all of the attention that I need to him. Also I have learned that it can put an enormous strain on a marriage. I think that it is really hard on my husband (and myself) that he is disabled and cannot always control his actions, demands more attention than his sister, and that he is not always the most friendly child to be around. It is so stressfull.

My list of the most stressful things at the moment……

  • The attitude
  • Not eating
  • His anger/violence towards everyone and everything
  • Not knowing how to discipline him appropriately
  • Object fascination (right now it is spoons, knives and swords)
  • Not being able to do the things that I want to do with him, or take him the places that I want him to see
  • Lack of communication with him

And there are many others that I just don’t feel like listing.

I am just a a loss of what to do at the moment. If there is someone out there that has some advice I would surely love to hear it. Anything helps or anything that helped you through would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!!!