I realize that it has been a few days since I last posted, I have just been trying to cope and doing it very poorly. My kids know that I am upset and stressed which is making them just terrors because they don’t know what is going on. My son Alex (he’s 3) keeps asking me if I am ok and what’s wrong. I could tell him but he won’t understand so I just keep saying that mommy’s sad. I don’t think he is buying it all of the time though.
My Great-Grandmother called me yesterday and needed some company so Shaun and I packed up the kids and headed over there. I hadn’t been there yet because she seemed like she had too many people there all the time telling her what to do. (My great aunts and uncles) My grandpa is coming over from Central Oregon its about a 3 -4 hour drive in the summer so I don’t know how long it will take him tomorrow with the like 12 feet of snow on the pass but he will make it I am sure. My grandma needs to see him, in fact I am going to go up there tomorrow when they are here. I only see them once or twice in a year if that and I just feel like I need to see him. My grandma is doing about as well as I am handling all of this stuff. (which is not very well by the way) I am really upset about the fact that there will not be a service for him at his request. He is to be cremated and placed at the Willamette National Cemetary and that is it. No time to mourn as a family no celebration of life nothing. I almost feel cheated in that aspect. I don’t know maybe that is the wrong way to feel but I can’t help it, it hurts.
I have cried so much over so many things the last few days I look abused. I am almost scared to go in public with my husband because it looks like he beats me. My eyes are black and blue and all swollen from crying and it looks like he just punched me once really good. He didn’t of course he would never do that he is not that type. I have been with that type and he is definitely not it. I have had people ask me before after a night of crying if I need help or if my husband is abusive. No one seems to believe that this is just how I look after I cry, so I finally started saying yeah he beat me, what can you do. It is funny to watch their reactions.
So potty training is going really well. Alex hasn’t had an accident in several days and has been wearing underroos and the whole nine yards. I am very proud of him, I think that we are almost there. I still am putting him in a diaper at night because he doesn’t wake up, but he gets up in the morning before he comes in my room to harass me goes in the bathroom takes off his diaper goes potty then comes to roust me from my warm bed. So I think that with a little more work he will have it in no time. We even did out first outing with no diaper and it went with no accidents. I am really glad that could have been messy.
I am looking forward to my dr. appointment on Wednesday. I am so anxious about the baby. I am not sure if I am just done with the pregnancy thing. That and I am excited about not seeing Dr. Jerk that told me to get fixed. Grrr I am still rather bent about that. But what can you do he was just that a jerk. I just hope that I don’t have to see him again that could totally suck. Well it would suck because I would refuse the appointment, I don’t think that I should have to be subjected to that kind of thing esp by a Dr.
Anyway that is about how it is going in my little world over here. All stress and no play at the moment.