Been a few days time for an update

I realize that it has been a few days since I last posted, I have just been trying to cope and doing it very poorly. My kids know that I am upset and stressed which is making them just terrors because they don’t know what is going on. My son Alex (he’s 3) keeps asking me if I am ok and what’s wrong. I could tell him but he won’t understand so I just keep saying that mommy’s sad. I don’t think he is buying it all of the time though.

My Great-Grandmother called me yesterday and needed some company so Shaun and I packed up the kids and headed over there. I hadn’t been there yet because she seemed like she had too many people there all the time telling her what to do. (My great aunts and uncles) My grandpa is coming over from Central Oregon its about a 3 -4 hour drive in the summer so I don’t know how long it will take him tomorrow with the like 12 feet of snow on the pass but he will make it I am sure. My grandma needs to see him, in fact I am going to go up there tomorrow when they are here. I only see them once or twice in a year if that and I just feel like I need to see him. My grandma is doing about as well as I am handling all of this stuff. (which is not very well by the way) I am really upset about the fact that there will not be a service for him at his request. He is to be cremated and placed at the Willamette National Cemetary and that is it. No time to mourn as a family no celebration of life nothing. I almost feel cheated in that aspect. I don’t know maybe that is the wrong way to feel but I can’t help it, it hurts.

I have cried so much over so many things the last few days I look abused. I am almost scared to go in public with my husband because it looks like he beats me. My eyes are black and blue and all swollen from crying and it looks like he just punched me once really good. He didn’t of course he would never do that he is not that type. I have been with that type and he is definitely not it. I have had people ask me before after a night of crying if I need help or if my husband is abusive. No one seems to believe that this is just how I look after I cry, so I finally started saying yeah he beat me, what can you do. It is funny to watch their reactions.

So potty training is going really well. Alex hasn’t had an accident in several days and has been wearing underroos and the whole nine yards. I am very proud of him, I think that we are almost there. I still am putting him in a diaper at night because he doesn’t wake up, but he gets up in the morning before he comes in my room to harass me goes in the bathroom takes off his diaper goes potty then comes to roust me from my warm bed. So I think that with a little more work he will have it in no time. We even did out first outing with no diaper and it went with no accidents. I am really glad that could have been messy.

I am looking forward to my dr. appointment on Wednesday. I am so anxious about the baby. I am not sure if I am just done with the pregnancy thing. That and I am excited about not seeing Dr. Jerk that told me to get fixed. Grrr I am still rather bent about that. But what can you do he was just that a jerk. I just hope that I don’t have to see him again that could totally suck. Well it would suck because I would refuse the appointment, I don’t think that I should have to be subjected to that kind of thing esp by a Dr.

Anyway that is about how it is going in my little world over here. All stress and no play at the moment.

I just lost my Grandpa

Well I don’t know if anyone noticed that I didn’t post anything yesterday or not but my great-grandfather died yesterday morning. He was 85 years old and a WW2 vet. He was married to my grandma for a little over 65 years. That is along time. But they were so good together, they took care of each other no matter what. You don’t see love like that anymore. When things get hard most people give up. It is just so hard, he is one of those people that was so strong that I never thought I would have to be with out him. I also know that he was suffering and it was time. Actually he was here about 1 year longer than we thought he would.

There were so many times that I had prepared myself for his passing and he would get better, and be fine. It has gone on like this for a couple of years. It was really hard to see. I know that he is in a better place depending on what you believe, but at least he is not gasping for air and suffering with all of the pain he was dealing with. I should have known that this was coming because they just put him in a care home considering that my great-grandmother could not care for him alone anymore. Well it was not her choice hospice basically told her that was what they were doing and she had better adjust. I cannot even begin to imagine what that must have felt like for her. They were married for over 65 years and never spent time away from one another. (Except for the war) That is an extremely difficult thing to understand. I do not know what to do with my self now when my husband is away. I cannot even begin to imagine what I would do with out him for the rest of my life. I am really afraid that I am going to loose her now that he is gone.

Have you ever thought that you had absolutely too much on your plate at once? My husband is starting his new business venture, I am trying to potty train my 3 year old, I am 8 months pregnant, our financial status is in the shitter, and now I just lost my grandfather that basically raised me. People keep telling me how sorry they are for me. I don’t want to be felt sorry for I just want to feel like I can make forward progress somewhere in my life.

I guess I just have a lot of miss placed anger towards a lot of people at the moment. I don’t really even know why I am angry I just don’t think I know how to cope any other way. I tried crying but that just made everything I was feeling worse. I tried ignoring it, and that didn’t work so I am just at a total loss for words on how to express what I am feeling. To tell the truth I don’t even really know how I am feeling.

One of the things that is the hardest is that he made us all promise that we would NOT have a service, celebration of life, or anything related to that. So he is going to be cremated and his final resting place will be in Portland, Oregon at the Willamette National Cemetery. That is where they put veterans here in Oregon.

I just hope that this pain won’t last forever and someday I will be able to move on from what I am feeling right now. I know that day will come I just wish that I had some idea of when.

I am sure that this post is more than you wanted to know about me and my family I just didn’t know where else I could vent with out hurting anyone’s feelings, and I have been told that when grieving that putting what you are feeling in writing it helps you to let go of them. So here’s hoping that it works. Thanks for reading if you actually made it all the way to the end through my ramblings.